The title just came to me as I was uploading my results from last week, but I had thought about writing this post earlier on in the day. I recorded a video on my phone to remind me to do it in case I forgot. My trading feels like it is stuck in quicksand. Every now and then I can get an arm or a leg free, but then it quickly gets sucked back down again. My head is staying above the sand and I can breathe, but I can't free myself. The feeling of disillusionment is beginning take over and wear on me so I need to make some changes. To my trading, and to myself.
It's been almost two years since I placed my first trade. I remember the excitement of it, the feeling of watching as the market moved up and down. The excitement was fuelled by the hopeful optimism of where I was going to be in two years time. I remember one weekend not long after I placed that first trade, my friend telling me I was going to be 50 in two years, and my response.
"That's good, I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to seeing where I am in the next two years." The dreams of quitting my job, renting a house and paying them a years rent in advance. Of having a years living expenses in the bank so that I could trade with freedom and live the life I dreamt of having. The freedom to do what ever made me happy every day. I was going to finally be happy. Fast forward those two years and where am I? Facing a genuinely tough decision. One I honestly never thought I'd have to make.
Do I give up on trading?
When I read that sentence my immediate thought is "Fuck no!". You can do this, you know you can. But it's so fucking hard. I had a goal of doubling my account every 10 weeks. That's just 20 points a day. How hard can it be to make 20 points a day? Very fucking hard is the answer. I know there are many successful traders who took much longer than 2 years to finally become profitable. The norm seems to be around the 4 year mark. That's fine by me, honestly it is, but what if I am still in the same situation as I am now in another two years? Have I wasted that time when I could've done something else that I may have succeeded at?
Trading is the perfect thing for my life ideals. I love my own company so the solitude of trading is perfect for me. I love the idea of the freedom that being a successful trader can afford me, instead of having my life dictated to me by a company that doesn't care about me, and by people I have no respect for. The potential to earn in a week what I have to work a month for in my shitty job. The ability to help the people that I love, or to help a cause that I am passionate about when I'm making that kind of money. To actually be fucking happy every day!
I'm not greedy. Yes of course I'd love to make as much money as I can every year, but honestly, £100,000 per year is enough. You can live a truly wonderful life on that amount of money. In fact it is the basis of a sort of mantra I created when I started trading. I don't have any tattoos but I said to myself when I am a successful trader I want a simple tattoo on my inner right wrist. It's a series of numbers. 2200100000. That's it, but what does it mean?
2 points a day at...
200 pounds a point is...
100000 pounds a year.
As I said that was my number when I started trading and that's still my number now. But over the last two years that excited optimism has faded. It feels sometimes as if it has turned into jaded and angry frustration. Yes there are positives I can take from my journey so far. For example, I have never redeposited nor added to my original deposit in those two years, which is honestly quite impressive I think. But at this exact moment in time, it doesn't take long for my hopeful optimism I feel every morning to change to despair when I have yet another losing trade and end up down on the day. Again. I've noticed in my desperation to win that I've let my once disciplined morning routine go by the weyside. I'm forcing trades. I'm over trading. I'm allowing FOMO to affect my decision making. Jesus, only this week I've traded the afternoon session (I'm off work at the moment) which is something I said I'd never do again. I've traded the DOW for fucks sake because I see it moving 40, 50, 60 plus points in one candle and I desperately think about how one trade could wipe out my losses for the morning! I've traded on my mobile. It doesn't help that this week has been a shitty week because I injured my back and so I feel all sorry for myself. This injury has lead to me over eating as I can't go to the gym, which has left me feeling low and shit and it's a perpetuating cycle of misery. Add to this losing mornings, and it's resulted in my mindset with regards to life being shit not just with trading. I see the negative in everything and when things I perceive to be bad happen, I am all "Of fucking course it would! Why would it not, it's me after all! Fuck my life! Fuck you Universe." That is not the mindset of someone who is going to trade well (That is not the mindset of someone who is going to do anything well!), so I'm not going to. This coming week I am taking a week away from trading and I'm not even going to look at the markets. For the coming week hey do not exist as far as I'm concerned. I'm going to use that time to try and focus on me and why I feel so down. Maybe it's because I'm 50 in 45 days and it scares me that I will be stuck in my shitty job, in my shitty house, in a town I hate for the rest of my life and as such I am simply putting way to much pressure on this to not fail? I know what I need to do to improve my life and to change but I just cannot stick to it. I find it so difficult to consistently apply consistency. Something happens, like my back injury and I go right off the rails and undo any good work I did from the previous week/s. Like over eating. Just because I cant go to the gym doesn't mean I have to give up eating healthily, but I do because it gets me down and that's what I need to figure out. Why do I let things affect me so much?
Why do things get me down and how can I stop that from happening? How can I stop self sabotaging any progress just because I had to take a temporary step backwards? How can I help myself to be more consistent and to apply consistency in everything I do?
I don't want to give up trading. I want to prove to myself that I can and will succeed. I have always felt I am destined to do something amazing with my life. I don't know what but I just know I'm not like other people that I know. I'm not like the masses. I'm different. But for now I sit at a crossroads and I have to decide which path I'm going to take, but more importantly, I have to work out how to stay on that path. How take consistent steps forward, one after the other. How to allow myself to take a step back but to know that it is just that. A minor and temporary setback. That's all. I guess I just have to accept that the road I am on is maybe a little longer than I first thought, but it is still the same road I was on when I began, and I am much further along it than I was when I started, I'm just not as far as along it as I would like to be.
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