Below is something I sat and wrote after the woeful trading week I had last week. I really wanted to figure out what it was that seemed to be aiding and abetting the self sabotaging and try and understand more importantly, the 'why' I would do that to myself. I could feel within myself that enough was enough and I was not going to allow this to happen any more. It was time to draw a line in the sand and face myself. So here is that 'Stream of consciousness', unedited and unfiltered ~
What am I struggling with?
Once a month or once every 6 or so weeks, I feel down for no reason. Or is there a reason? Is it possible that I feel like this because I realise, even subconsciously that I am not making the progress in my life that I desire? I try to change but cannot see anything happening?
This is not technically true when I actually think about it. For example what I am doing right now, putting my thoughts into written word so that I can read it again, I can see it in front of me. I have never done this before so this in and of itself is evidence that both I and my life are changing. Maybe it’s because I am looking for grandiose changes? I am looking for too much too soon and not letting the Universe take care of it in its own time, when it decides that I am ready? Maybe I want it too much, and in not seeing it, I am actually self- sabotaging and hindering the progress? This feels like a truth. I am desperate to change my life and because I am not seeing something I consider tangible it is easy for me to feel down. However, I am not that desperate as I don’t really do all that I can to help myself. For example, even as I write this I am thinking about playing on-line Poker or having dinner. It’s almost as if my mind is trying to distract me from working on myself and changing. I know from what I have read that this can and does happen as it wants us to always feel comfort over discomfort so will try and influence our decisions. In fact I am just reading right now that two Harvard Psychologists have found that the human mind is actually wired for a state of continuous distraction, ‘Mind Wandering’. According to their study we should focus less on what we’re doing and more on how we are being. Mind wandering has more to do with unhappiness than the activities we engage in.
Interesting.
There is a tool we can use to radically change our mental state, anytime, anywhere – their words not mine. Notice-Shift-Rewire. An example is – rehearsing an argument you think you might have with someone. You’re not really aware of what is happening, you’re lost in thought, oblivious to what’s going on around you. Everything starts with your ability to notice when you get caught in this state, but this is often very difficult to do. You can help this by setting up cues to help you notice. For example, every time you look at your phone. Or every time you look at your watch. Once you notice, the next step is to shift your attention to something that’s happening right now. It could be listening fully to someone your talking with, or really tasting that last bite of food you just put in your mouth. In more idle moments it might be listening and paying attention to sights, or bird song, or simply sensations in your body. Like right now I am suddenly aware of how much I enjoy writing. I’ve just smiled to myself as I read that sentence. I feel happyish. I’ve actually had a very good day so far and I am genuinely looking forward to tomorrow. Now I am mind wandering. Back to the article.
The final step is to strengthen this new habit of mind. To do this, all you have to do is take 15 to 30 seconds to stay in the state and really savour the experience of being here now. As with everything new though, be kind to yourself when you’re trying to do it – something I do try but often forget. According to the article even the greatest mindfulness masters of our time report getting lost in this mind wandering state. I think also I try and maybe do too much at once. For example I have a couple of books on the go in Kindle, but I haven’t read either for a few days. I start reading a book, I watch a podcast or read an unrelated article and then end up buying another book related to that subject, start reading it and so the previous book ends up never being finished. I need to finish one book before starting another.
When I did a fear of flying course a number of years ago (I can hand on heart recommend them because it completely cured me!) the psychologist gave us all a rubber band to wear on our wrists. The idea is when you feel like you might be starting to get anxious or panicky, you ping the band and the ‘snap’ startles your brain, and you have 5 seconds to take control. You say to yourself internally or out loud ‘Stop’. And then you take a slow deep breath and change your thought. I do the stop technique when I rehearse arguments that have not and may not even happen. Or if I get annoyed about something that I have no control over, or worse still, doesn’t actually affect me in any way. It works, but it doesn’t stop me from having the thoughts. That’s what I really want to address but I’m not sure this is actually possible?
Reframing thoughts…stoicism
As Epictetus said – ‘The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own.’
Although I am in control of my thoughts it is easier said than done to truly control them. For example, I have just wasted the last 1 ½ hours watching shit on YouTube and done nothing more towards changing my thoughts until now. Actually that’s not all true as I have just transcribed two work outs from the Ryan Humiston program for this week as I want to keep tomorrow as empty as possible for studying trading and my trading mindset. I also downloaded and saved the DAX from 01st Jan this year ready for studying tomorrow. I cleaned my boots (3 x pairs) as I had planned to. I wrote this and so made a change and so made progress! I must remember to be kind to myself and acknowledge my successes.
I have patterns and habits of thoughts which I want to change. I know that as I think an unhelpful thought, it makes me act in a certain way which in turn fuels more unhelpful thoughts and it becomes a cycle which is hard to break. But I want so badly to change. I need to challenge unhelpful thoughts with evidence. What evidence really exists to support them? I need to learn to tune into my thoughts. To recognise them. Reflect on them. The more and more I do this the easier it will become to recognise one almost as it is happening rather than after it has happened. Reframe the thought with positive evidence. Maybe at night write a short ‘Thought journal’ of the negative thoughts I had that day, what I did to change them, what was a better thought in place of the negative one? Etc.
Reframe negatives like ‘That’s too expensive’ with ‘I’m choosing not to buy this right now.’ FFS another losing morning.’ with ‘Things didn’t work out as I desired and so I didn’t experience the success I wanted’ or ‘It didn’t work out for me this morning, but it is only one morning, and there will be others in which I will succeed.’
Also I have a belief that I am not like Tiger Woods or Tom Hougaard in as much as I believe I cannot spend all day or every ‘spare’ moment working on getting better, but this is just a story I have told myself so much that I believe it. Why can’t I develop a better work ethic? There is literally no physical reason so it must be a mental one. My belief. Can I change or work on two beliefs at once? It doesn’t seem so as I cannot find any articles relating to it…I struggle with things feeling fake, like a little artificial, unauthentic, like always trying to be positive. They only feel that way because I am used to feeling a certain way and anything outside of this is uncomfortable and foreign so will feel odd/ fake/unauthentic to begin with. Like the stories I am telling myself about my absent desires. Maybe re-read Grow a Greater You and Ask and it is Given? Yes. GGY first though. Twelve o’clock. Bed time as I want to be up early Sunday (0715) to get my 10k steps in, watch the UFC, hit the driving range and be ready to start studying by 12 midday.
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