That’s how my trading feels at this exact moment in time. Over this last week I have had days where every trade was a loser, and none of the days I’ve traded have closed in the green. I only trade for a maximum of 3 hours on any given day as I must be at work for 13:00 and I have to fit in a gym session 4 out of the 5 days of the week. This has been my worst trading week by far. After placing and being stopped out of trade after trade, this three-hour window has of late been cut very short. Some days it was less than an hour into the session that I closed my laptop convinced that I am a dreadful trader, and I’ll never make money from it. I know the market is not ‘against me’ as I’ve read the amazing book ‘Trading in the Zone’ by Mark Douglas, so I’m aware somewhere in my mind that to think this is a fallacy, yet in the moment it is difficult to truly and fully accept this as gospel.
But I don’t give up. The following morning, I wake up full of optimism and enthusiasm about trading that morning and the potential of what lies in the trades ahead, but then my mind flickers ever so briefly back to the day before and I feel a shiver of doubt and dread about how today is going to go. I open the client trying not to notice my balance, but I catch a glimpse. Bugger. I open my trade diary and go over what the market has done through the night, writing down the high, low, and the close of yesterday. I see the bars where I lost money and the hindsight trader whispers to me ‘If only I’d noticed this…. or if only I had waited for that candle….’ I write my one paragraph synopsis of what has happened, so I have a starting point from which to form an opinion as the market open nears.
The first couple of candles are simply observed, nothing more. I get ready to place my first trade and I hesitate. I watch as it begins to move in my fictitious favour because I cannot react, I’m frozen unable to click the button on the mouse. Bugger again. It’s now moved too far, and my entry would be awful if I took it. Okay. Regain your focus, accept what has happened and prepare for the next signal and set up. Make sure though you take this one with confidence and authority. Eventually a signal is shown, and the trade is executed. Now however, no sooner than I’m in the trade I’ve got the ‘close trade’ button open with my mouse hovering over the confirm icon. ‘Let your stop do its job.’ I tell myself, ‘That’s what it’s for.’Every second feels uncomfortable as I watch it move in my favour, and then against. I consider closing it for the simple fact of recording a winning trade, albeit only for minimal points. No. Watch and wait and let the stop do its job. It moves against me only this time with momentum. I can feel the despair as I watch it ebb closer and closer to my stop. Bugger. Another losing trade. That’s it I’m done. Fuck this, my mind has gone now. I close the client, switch off the monitor, shut the laptop down and sit in my chair dejected.
This has been the story of pretty much every day this week. Welcome to the 90%’s newest member. Or am I?
What if it is not just my trading mindset, but my actual mindset, mentality, and beliefs concerning life that’s the problem?
Maybe trading reveals what life conceals?
I know my mindset in life is not where I want it to be because in life, I am not where I want to be. Whilst I’ve not been diagnosed with depression as I’ve never consulted a doctor about it, it feels often as though I may have a mild form of it. My frustration with the lack of freedom and control I have in my life could be hiding something else, something darker? What I do know is that I do not want to continue to feel like this and that I want to change and live the life I feel I deserve. That’s for sure. Recently I discovered the Law of Attraction, Quantum physics, Mindfulness and Vibrational awareness and all these subjects resonated with me. They made my situation make sense, but also offering the tools to help make the changes I so desperately want to make. But making any change takes time. The question I now face though is, do I stop trading until I have begun to manifest visible changes in my beliefs, my attitudes, and my behaviours, especially challenging negative self-talk, or do I continue trading, but be aware that whatever happens, truly happens randomly and to not attach any bias to it nor let the outcome affect me and set me back?
Like Natalie Imbruglia, I’m torn.
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