It's so hard. It really is. I have a thing where I can be really positive about life and really on it in terms of sticking to my routines with eating well, training, meditating, being present, trading well, studying Spanish etc, and this usually lasts for a couple of weeks and I am consistent, but then something happens, I don't know exactly what, but something, and I will spend the next 3,4,5 plus days in a foul mood. I let my training slip, I eat shit food, I don't get my steps in, I have a constant feeling of fuck it, I can't be bothered, and it all goes to shit.
The worst part is, it's almost as if I am two people trapped in the same body because whilst I feel like I can't be bothered, I also feel like I don't want that to control me. I don't want to lose my progress, I don't really want to eat shit and not train. I don't want to revenge trade, I don't want to stop believing, but, I know that fighting it is hard, if not impossible (negative belief?) and so I have to sit and let it happen knowing that eventually it will pass and I will be back to where I was mentally, just a few days ago. Today is that day.
I still have the feelings inside me of 'fuck it, I can't be bothered' but they are weak. The fact that I am writing this now having written my Gratitude diary entry, completed my CARS (Controlled Articulated RotationS), and my morning meditation, I know they are fading. I don't want to eat shit today. I want to go out for a 2 hour walk to get my steps and my calorie deficit in, I want to be productive. This shows that I am almost past it and can look forward to being positive again for the next couple of weeks. But, it's frustrating because I don't want to feel like this. I want the feelings of positivity and happiness to continue. But they don't and I don't know why?
At least this time I didn't do as much damage to myself as I have done previously, both in terms of eating shit and undoing any weight loss progress, and in terms of trying to make back any lost points. Maybe that in itself is progress? Yes, I think it is. The fact it didn't last as long and when I look back over the last few days, the feeling didn't have as much power as it has had before, shows I am making progress. I have decided that I will give myself until the 1st January 2025 to show improvement in my trading. This improvement will be in terms of the amount at which I am trading. If I am not at £200 in my account and so ready to move up and risk 50 points at £1 per point, then I will seriously consider whether or not trading is a good use of my time. I don't want to put a time constraint on it, as I am fully aware of the psychological effects that can have, some of which I may not consciously be aware of, but I have to realise that if I want a happier life and I want to wake up every day doing something I love, then maybe my time in the morning might be spent better doing something else and that trading, is not how I am going to achieve that...
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